Each of the following problems is divided up into symptoms, the problem, and the
solution. If I've missed a problem that has caused you to crawl out on thatmetaphorical
window ledge, email me.
Symptoms:
Netscape/Eudora/Whatever says that a server doesn't have a DNS entry/couldn't be found!
I know this server exists as I use it very frequently.
Problem:
Those pesky MacTCP gods cast down their wrath upon us mortals at the worst possible
moments! MacTCP does this every once in a while, and I'm not sure why. It seems to make
the connection, but the nameserver appears to be on vacation.
Solution:
This is pretty much a chronic problem with MacTCP. We hope to replace MacTCP with Open
Transport on the installer disks at some point in the future, which is much better. At any
rate, here's the procedure for patching up your relations with MacTCP.
1) Restart and reconnect. If that doesn't work, try waiting for a couple of minutes,
then trying again.
2) If that doesn't work, open up your system folder (usually found in the root
directory of your hard drive) and look for a file named MacTCP DNR. Toss it.
3) If you haven't solved your problem by now, reach for your installation disk and
treat yourself to a new copy of MacTCP.
4)If that doesn't work, light candles in a circle around you and, while making low
gutteral chanting noises deep in the back of your throat, beckon for the mercy of the Gods
by lighting a chicken doused in gasoline.
Symptoms:
About thirty seconds into an internet connection, my mac tells me the connection timed
out from lack of use!
Problem:
The MacTCP gods are at it again.
Solution:
This is just a variant of the MacTCP problems discussed above. Follow the same drill.
Symptoms:
When I try to log in the progress bar "sticks" at "Establishing
Connection". Five seconds later, it tells me my password is invalid! Did I forget to
pay my overtime fee or what?
Problem:
Gremlins. This just seems happen on occasion. I can't even make a guess about this one,
since I am not really a part of Venner Computer Services. I suppose that a daemon on the
server was just having a bad day or something. If you can, however, bug the hell out of them trying to find out the
real reason. :)
Solution:
Wait a while and try again. As a grand master procrastinator, I often have much spare
time on my hands, some of which I've spent rather badly. For instance, I have managed to
pin the wait time usually required to remedy this problem to anything between thirty
seconds (most common) and half a day (only happened once). I suggest that you start with
short intervals and slowly increase until you either have a connection or think of
something better to do.
Symptoms:
I get this message saying something like "PPP Timeout while waiting for OK."
Problem:
Your modem is either off, not connected properly, having a bad day, not configured for
hardware handshaking properly, or you are using a speed that is too fast for your modem or
have a bad initialisation string. (Whew!)
Solution:
This is really common. The first thing to do would be to check to see if your modem is
on (I kinda hope you've done this one already). If it is, try turning it off for five
seconds and on again, to clear up any nomadic glitches that may have taken up residence.
If that doesn't work,check the MacPPP Configuration page under
"Hardware Handshaking", "Port Speed" and "Modem Initialisation
String." Read the explanations carefully, 'cause chances are that at least one of
them is screwed up.
Symptoms:
My kids/siblings/parents/significant others keep picking up the phone during my
connection, thereby ruining it.
Problem:
Not enough muscle relaxants in their diets.
Solution:
Grind up some Valium (Thorzaine works well too) and slip it into their food.
Alternately, bind and gag them while you're connected. Another method that I find works
well is to interrupt their phone calls in revenge. I take no responsibility for phone wars
started as a result of this course of action!
Symptoms:
My machine will occasionally suddenly connect to the net for no apparent reason.
Problem:
Phantom dialing (and yes it is a real term, not something I made up after a a long
night with a bottle of scotch).
Solution:
Start using the Hard Close button in the PPP control panel if you have it. If you
don't, you should have a checkbox named "Disable Auto-Connect". Activate it.
Read all about the wily ways of the auto-connect feature on the PPP
Configuration page
Symptoms:
I've been online for thirty consecutive hours. Every time I'm about to break the cycle,
I find something interesting to look at. I've lost my wife, my house, my car, and my job.
Acronyms such as BTW and BRB have started working themselves into my speech. HELP ME!
Problem:
You have an Internet connection.
Solution:
Pay me $500 dollars to smash your 'puter with a sledgehammer. I say if you have to get
rid of the thing, you might as well make a night's entertainment out of it. :)
